Sunday, April 7, 2013
Love therapy (complete)
Destroy & Rebuild Foundations In relationships we all must be aware that not everything old is compatible with the new. There are things that worked for us in our past relationships that may not work for us in our future or present ones. A relationship is much like a house that gets built from the ground up. If u want that house to last it must have a strong foundation. Lots of people build their homes using the blueprints of other peoples foundations, move in and everything slowly falls apart. The house is eventually destroyed and that foundation you laid remains until you decide to build a new one. The entire process of destroying and rebuilding foundations starts with constructing your personal foundation. Prepare yourself with patience and understanding, identify what it is that you are searching for and be able to articulate it to whomever it is you decide to be involved with. You must also have the ability to recognize when a person isn't on the same page as you and make the proper adjustments as necessary i.e limiting interaction, calls, and be able to convey why you made your adjustment. After making any form of an adjustment you must remain firm in your decision (much like a foundation). Make sure you build your foundation with constructive qualities and beliefs. A constructive foundation allows you to embody what what you need and after, you'll be able to impose your needs onto potential partners without forcing them to compromise their own values, allowing them to keep their sense of self. This also allows them to give to you confidently and comfortably of themselves, nobody enjoys feeling like they are being taken from so be sure to make it easy for people to want to give to you. It isn't difficult for a person to recognize another person who has a well constructed foundation. You have an outward expression of an embodied stronghold. Your confidence, mannerisms, and ability to communicate will manifest themselves more proficiently because of your strengthened foundation. Only those who have built strong foundations have the ability to withstand the weathering of a real relationship so, build on you before attempting to build with somebody. Diminishing Misconceptions Many of us enter into our relationships believing in certain concepts of love that could potentially damage the welfare of our relationships. These misconceptions place expectations on our partners that they may or may not have the capacity for and when they fail to meet those expectations we resent our partners and blame love. As we grow in our relationships misconceptions such as "love is a two-way street" or "love doesn't hurt" should be ruled null and void because they don't apply in a real relationship. Love in it's most simplistic definition is "charity". Charity is a gift from one party to another without any payment or gift in return. With love being "charity" love is never always a two-way street, it's often a one way street with a stop light. I say a stop light because it's necessary to regulate just how much love you are giving out, giving too much of yourself can cause you to either forget about your own needs or be taken advantage of. When love is working the way it was planned to work then that's where the two way street is created, two people giving freely of themselves manifests the two way idea. It is not you give me some then I'll give some back. Kinda like a free way, sometimes one side has traffic and the other side has a bunch of cars flying by. Another misconception is that "love doesn't hurt". Love hurts for the better, the very idea of love forces us to break bad habits, do things we normally don't do, and above all, be vulnerable. There will always be moments when love hurts because nothing good comes without hard work and the willingness to take a potentially painful risk. Love is meant to be done over and over again; some of us get it right the first or second time around but others have to learn the painful lessons it takes to become intimate with love and learn how to apply it in the necessary areas. We all need to learn to apply love in the most basic areas of our lives to build intimacy with it. Love in communication: know how to communicate how u feel to someone regardless of fear or doubt. Do this knowing that it means progress and understand when being communicated to. Love in relations: show love in this area not just sexually but find what makes each other feel appreciated that way you nor them feel burdened when giving. Love in confrontation: show love when you're disagreeing. Never use hurtful information against each other otherwise that person will feel they can't be intimate with you because you will use it against them in an argument. Find a way to argue productively find a solution or just listen to what's being said and it will work out. The biggest and most powerful lie is that love doesn't exist or doesn't work. Find a way to destroy the barriers keeping you from loving and love selflessly and abundantly, you'll never be unsatisfied. Maintaining Consistency Consistency, one of the top reasons why relationships fail. The reason why our women say "he doesn't do the things he used to" and the reason why our men say "she's not the same person I remember". Consistency is vital in our relationships and will make or break them. Consistency by definition means "an agreement or harmony of parts or features to one another or a whole", that being said, what are we agreeing on and where is our harmony that is necessary? We as human beings are instinctively seeking the most comfortable and pleasurable circumstances, this is the only thing that is naturally consistent within our personalities. With a combination of life experience and external influence we develop an internal persona which influences our perspectives, decisions, and attractions. We let this persona develop what our idea of love is and that becomes an item of our basic instinct; to be comfortable and pleased, we have to fight our instinct. People are continuously changing within relationships, however, love does not change. In order to have a sense of consistency we must embody a synonymous definition of love (ex. 1 Corinthians 13). As we hold on to our definition, our personalities, as they mature and change, will never seem inconsistent. The things we did at the beginning of our relationship will never go away, they will never seem old, and anything more will be residual. Two persons agreement to love produces a harmony between The two hearts (minds), it allows them two apply every variable of their love to each other consistently. This doesn't mean that there won't be issues within the relationship but it does mean that issues will be solved with love and resentments should not exist. Maintain your consistency by upholding your agreement to love and fight against your instinct when your instinct becomes selfish. Love is a living thing and it grows as you provide for it. The more you place your relationship in love, the more love places itself in you. Appreciation & Reassurance Men and women have many incentives to love, however, there are two in particular that are constant necessities in any relationship. Appreciation and reassurance; each are loves fuel and glue and need to be exercised often in any relationship. Although men and women have a different demand for each of the two, Women I believe are more in need of reassurance as men are more in need of appreciation. Because women instinctively love through their ability to communicate feelings of love and spending quality time with their partners they have little issue with being reassuring. Men on the other hand naturally love through their ability to provide, protect, and physically please so appreciation is one of men's natural gifts. Both men and women should be proactive in learning how to give to each others love nature. Love has to be given these elements otherwise it can create resentment forcing other aspects of the relationship to deteriorate such as communication. If one isn't receiving these necessities the resentment created causes a persons ability to communicate from a place of love to be diminished and therefore, ineffective. These create a cycle of building trust within a relationship and ultimately guides the relationship into intimacy. intimacy being the final and most important part of any relationship and also the most difficult to attain if the prerequisites haven't been met. Lovers must have all these things in mind at all times if they truly wish to take their relationships to the next level. Setting Boundaries & Gaining Understanding In our generations relationships there are a lot boundaries being crossed and too much stubbornness ruining the stability of relationships. It is more than necessary to establish how far you are willing to go for the sake of your relationship and even more necessary to be understanding in it. There are too many people who have no limitations for what they will do to keep their relationship due to fear of starting over or being alone. At the same time people have too many limitations for what their partner cannot do in their relationship. Relationships can't function under those kinds of circumstances. It is of the greatest importance to maintain your own identity within your relationship. Any and all relationships are a sum of two parts working together and should remain two parts in one circumstance to continue being considered a relationship. The feeling of love can be a consuming one, however, to be taken by that feeling to a point where you are no longer an independent operator in your relationships will result in you being drained of your ability to be conscious of boundaries you shouldn't cross. You will do things because you "love" them, ignore signs that are obvious to everyone observing them, and blame yourself for problems that arise in your situation (its a situation because it's no longer a relationship). Gaining understanding in a relationship is vital. To know your partners habits, likes, and dislikes are one thing, but to understand why those things exist the way they do in their lives is far more important. Understanding must be reached in relationships otherwise there will be resentments that could potentially damage the relationship later on. Arguments and misunderstandings are inevitable in all relationships,however, they are just learning experiences. Certain boundaries are to be discussed in relationships especially dealing with Sexual romance. Many people have things they are not willing/comfortable to do sexually that their partner desires from them. These things are to be discussed and a mutual agreement should be reached. Once these boundaries are set and understandings are made the lines of communication become more clear and resolution becomes easier. Al these things work together in love and should be exercised consciously. Reaching for Intimacy The most important step in love relationships is reaching intimacy. Defined as "the acquiring of a deep unusual understanding of a person". Reaching this requires constant study of your partners mental, emotional, and physical conditions to understand their being. It requires trust in your most vulnerable areas, forgiveness, and sacrificing your will for the sake of love. Intimacy doesn't happen magically or suddenly, it requires absolute commitment not just the "titles" which many of us give so much substance to. It requires the decision to put your hands to the plow and cultivate your love regardless the season. If you have no trust or fear being vulnerable you will find it impossible to acquire the experience of an intimate love. You must first make yourself available to it and then stick with it. You must be proud of your relationship and give up being prideful in your relationship. This means accepting the possibility of being wrong, knowing what roles you play, and being a man or woman to your partner at all times.